I'm Not Afraid to Die
by Siriusly Black Hearted
Summary: As a parallel to his shame at being a homosexual, Sirius tells his closest friends that he is dying from a disease. They take him much too seriously, and he suddenly finds himself in a situation where he enjoys his exploiting his "oncoming death". SBRL!


**AN!: Hi guys. So I've mostly stayed away from fanfiction and done lots of roleplays, but this idea is obviously something I can't do on a board. So I decided to jump back in and start…Well, you guessed it: writing fanfiction again. Please read and enjoy/hate/form an opinion of some type. Much love.**

James, Remus, Peter and I were lying in the grass, looking up into the sky. It was a warm summer evening, and we were all camping out at James' for the week- I was trying to avoid being alone, Remus was trying to avoid being himself and Peter was trying to avoid being left behind. Either way, we had spent the night drinking and we were definitely a thousand different levels of fucked up. I was squinting to try to focus in on the black of night, and jabbed a finger up into the air.

"**Right there!"** I said. **"I think I'm right there." **Remus shook his head as James and I looked at him for reassurance. James sighed in frustration.

"**Looking for Sirius is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. They all look bloody fucking bright to me!"**

"**That's because you're drunk, mate" **I said.James chuckled a bit and heaved a heavy sigh before he just agreed with me. Remus was silent.

"**There. Right there. I'm sure of it." **I looked at Remus. I would never doubt him for a second when he claimed to know something. He was filled with more facts then a copy of Hogwarts, A History. He would never claim something was truth if he wasn't completely and totally filled with assurance. My heart swelled as I looked at the star he pointed to. **"The brightest of the bunch. I told you we'd find it."**

"**How the bloody hell did you pick that out, Moony?"** Peter asked, in astonishment. Remus was so bloody amazing that it was hard for me to even sound full of astonishment or wonder when he managed to solve a problem or find something that no one else would have been able to do had they spent their whole lives devoted to it.

"**Now, what kind of map maker would I be if I couldn't even find a star in the sky? There are many stars that are good to know. One being Sirius; the other being the northern star. Good to know if you ever get lost. Knowing how to read the galaxy insures you will never be lost."** Remus was always very smart, but sometimes when we got him drunk enough, he tended to go off like this- very Zen and often philosophical in nature. James and Peter were never in any condition to listen to him but I could probably meditate to the sound of his voice and his words.

"**Yes…but I can just use my wand as a compass, so I'm not that concerned. Point me!" **James said, with a laugh. Remus made no further comment, thinking that he sounded ridiculous for trying to make deep conversation.

"**Yes…and what if your wand breaks?"** I asked. James stopped laughing and I think for a second he turned the slightest bit angry. He wasn't used to me agreeing with Remus and not him. He wasn't used to me being deep- he liked me just as I was. His buddy, his best mate- his brother. Together we were the duo of kids who didn't think much about anything and did what they wanted. I wasn't rejecting that side of me. But I was in favor of growing up somewhat, from time to time. I was in favor of real conversation if it meant humoring Remus.

"**What's your problem, Sirius?!"** He asked. James always was a bit testy when he was drunk, and Remus sighed. He was used to James and I getting into bar fights, if you can call them that since we hardly drank in a bar, but you get what I mean- the emotions fly high when you're drunk and some things that aren't talked about manage to come to the surface, like we live in this big container filled with water and oil. When we go about our days, we're well shaken and things are balanced. When we leave it to settle they separate and the oil sinks to the bottom- it stops making things so smooth and easy to glide and pretend like it doesn't exist. It makes us feel so much heavier. **"All the time…you've been so…fucking weird lately; it's like your permanently on the rag or something and I can't take it much longer."**

"**James, give it a rest, will you?! Please."** I replied back, quickly. I was not in the mood to instigate a fight with my best mate, not right now, with too much on my mind. But James wasn't about to let it go- though he was a stag in nature whilst sober, in drunkness he was more of a dog then I was. A Rottweiler. He didn't let things go over or blow away once he sunk his teeth into them. On this night, he had sunk his teeth into my changing personality. There were some things I just could not deal with any longer, not the way I had been dealing with them.

"**I'm not going to give it a rest, Sirius! You're becoming more and more fucking…I don't even know the word right now. You're just not yourself."** The word is mature, James. I'm becoming more and more mature. We were only a fortnight away from heading back to school for our last year. It was about time that I grew up, as I thought a bit bitterly. I almost killed someone last year because I didn't like to think. I needed to get my head on straight.

"**James…"** Remus said softly, in his wonderfully calming voice.** "James, there's no need to get so angry. If you think there's something wrong with Sirius, perhaps yelling at him for it is not the way to get him to spe-"**

"**I've got it! You're acting so bloody negative. Just in general. Everything you say just reeks of…negativity!"** James interrupted, which wasn't very rare. I wanted to punch him, but I loved him too much. He was my best friend and that meant I loved everything about him- even if it meant having to deal with him when he was this dead drunk. I wasn't completely sure that devotion and feeling was entirely reciprocated. That was the problem with me. I wasn't sure that if I told James the truth about some things that he wouldn't hate me for everything that I am.

"**I'm sorry, Jim. I just find it hard to be…well…positive, I guess. We're in a war." **He wasn't quelled by this response.

"**That didn't bother you last year! There's something else, something you're not telling me, Padfoot, and I don't like it! I don't like it at all! Tell me before I beat it out of you!"** If I told him, he'd beat it back into me. He'd kick the living shit out of me until I took it back. But I thought about my options, carefully. If I didn't tell him, I think he probably wouldn't speak to me for days. And it's not like I had much other place to go. If I told him, he'd probably forget about it tomorrow, or worse, think it was a joke. I wouldn't want him to laugh at me tomorrow because I'd never get the courage to tell him the truth.

Who would have ever imagined me as a coward? Sirius Black was afraid to speak his mind, whereas he wasn't afraid to tear himself out of the genealogy of the Black family. The same Sirius Black was afraid to admit that he wasn't like other guys when he so boldly admitted that he hated everything his family stood for- prejudice and hate over things people could not control. That is not to say that that I am without hate or judgment. I have plenty of it for plenty of people, but I do not like to think I hate people for things they cannot control.

I cannot control this.

"**James…I just…Look. I'll try to explain it like this. Have you ever woken up one day and felt…just terrible? I feel sick. I…I know I'm sick. I'm really, awfully fucking sick."**

"**Sick?"** He asked, aghast. **"Sick with what?"**

"**I don't know, Jimmy. I really don't know. All I know is…it's killing me. I'm dying. I know we all are, but really. I'm dying. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this." **My remarks were met with silence. I found it strange that there were no questions, but I enjoyed the peace that it brought. For a second I could look up and enjoy the stars again. But the night had swallowed us whole and I felt cold, so I stood up and told them I was going to James' room. I was going to curl up on the floor in my sleeping bag and just…pass out. Forget this ever happened. Forget that I had a moment to tell him exactly what it was about me that he didn't know and I would honestly rather die then let him find out. From here departed Sirius Black, the guy who spent his shut-eye time with dreams where he imagined himself fixed to the lips of Remus Lupin. Yes, I was sick. So bloody, effing sick.

By the time the morning came around, I was not surprised to see that I was the last one up. I was always the last person to awaken, mostly because I never really wanted to. Apart from loving to sleep like any other teenage boy, I was also rather fond of my dreams. I unzipped the sleeping bag and rolled out, unsteadily rising to my feet as I wiped the haze from my eyes. It didn't quite work, for as I descended down the steps I still felt dazed and heavy, like I was not fully awake. Good lord, I needed a cigarette.

I entered the kitchen and noticed the boys were not there, either. I moved an ashtray closer to the place where I sat at the table and lit myself a cigarette. James' mother was a smoker as well. I sat there for a moment, head in hands, trying to tell myself that it was time to wake up and join the real world, no matter how much I may not want to. And then James walked in.

"**Good morning, Padfoot!" **He greeted me, chipper. I grunted in response.

"**It's not a good morning yet. I've only just woken up."** He nodded and sat down across from me, and didn't say a word. He poured him and me a mug of coffee and I nodded my head back in return. I had a hangover worthy of a sailor, and the coffee was welcome. I looked up momentarily to ask for more cream and noticed then that he was staring at me. I raised my eyebrow in response. He was definitely much calmer now that the alcohol had worn off.

"**I get it, Padfoot. I get why you didn't want to tell me before."**

"**Oh, do you now?" **I asked. I'll admit that I was incredibly taken aback by his revelation. That he knew why I was so hesitant to admit my sexuality to him. But James Potter was a woman's sort of man. He was incredibly strong and proud and quite intelligent, though he often forgot this too in moments when there was no need for him to be so. He was like a child and that was what endeared him to women- James Potter was an adult child they could care for and love and yet could lean on him too when they needed to, in a way that you could never lean on a real child. He was my brother, best friend and guide all in one. He was anything I needed him to be, most of the time, and I could never appreciate anyone any more then I did him. Not even Remus. He would never mean to me what James did. But James would never mean to me what Remus did, in a different retrospective. Though even I was not sure what Remus meant to me, exactly. I knew that I was drawn and attracted to him like I had never been to a person before. That was enough for me to know, right now.

"**Yes…I do. You knew I would take it hard. And I did…I do, Padfoot. I don't want to lose you, not to something like that."**

"**James…you're not losing me." **I said, with a sort of grim look on my face. And so it had begun. The part where he tried to convince me that I was on the wrong side of life.

"**Yes I am, Padfoot. You said you were dying. But you dying…well, it doesn't change a thing between us, Sirius. You'll always be my best mate. You'll always be my brother. Just because you might…" **and suddenly I realized- good lord, he had it all wrong. All wrong. He didn't quite understand the metaphor, the point I was trying to make. He took me literally. I kept my mouth shut and bit the inside of my cheek. I thought I could have counted on Remus to explain that I was simply trying to convey a message, not explain that I was about to, well…die. **"You might die, that doesn't mean that I don't want to be around you. It's not…catachable, is it?"**

"**No, James, it's not."** I said, impatiently. For that was the truth- he couldn't catch my sickness. **"James, listen to me. You were drunk and I shouldn't have-"**

"**No, no. You listen to me. I'm glad you told me. I'm glad I know. You're the brother I never had, Sirius, and I want to make your last few months worth what they are. I want them to be the best moments of your life. I want you to do the things you should do. Here."** That's when he slid me the rolled up parchment. I stared at it for a few moments, afraid to open it. But slowly I brought my hands to it and undid the little bow tied on it. The entire thing was in Remus' handwriting.

_Dear Sirius,_

_This is a list of the things any normal man would want to do before he died. Some of them we know are your dreams, some of them we just improvised. Either way, these are the things that we, as Marauders, swear will be done before the day that you leave us in the physical world. Remember that we will always be at your side._

_**Buy something that would utterly disgrace your family.**__ We knew you'd like this one. We don't know what yet, but it'll be something big and newsworthy, and we'll make sure that you can give Walburga one swift kick in the ass before you walk out the door._

_**Go down in history for doing something utterly stupid and hysterical. **__We're the Marauders. I'm sure we could get your name in history for something crazy._

_**Eat your entire weight in chocolate.**__ Moony's suggestion. He tends to think that all men want to eat chocolate until the day they die._

_**Go around the world on a broomstick ride.**__ We all know how much you hated being grounded and tied to Grimmauld Place and your parents. That is the ultimate symbol of freedom._

_**Fall in love.**__ Hey, we all do it. There's no shame in falling in love- the greatest of men have done it, too._

_**Permanently remove the smell of your feet.**__ We want you to be able to rest in peace when you're in the coffin, after all. We're sure the scent would even offend the dead._

_**Make things right with the people who you have wronged.**__ There are a few, Sirius. We know one for sure…we will make sure you have your chance to apologize to him and fix things._

_**Live like you were dying.**__ We swear to you that every day from here on in, we will see that it is not dull nor boring nor even mediocre. The days will count. Every one of them. Don't give up on them so soon. Please._

_Love from,_

_Your brothers, the Marauders._

_James, Remus and Peter._

What are you supposed to say to a list like that? What are you supposed to say to promises like that? I was so touched, so generally well…happy to know that I had friends that cared that deeply to me. For a moment I felt worse that they misunderstood everything I had tried to say. When that moment passed, I don't know what possessed me to only nod at James. I just nodded. I confirmed everything.

I didn't tell him the truth.

Oh good lord, I had dug myself a deep hole, almost literally. They wanted to put me into it. I bit my lip as James asked me that dreaded question.

"**Please, Sirius…tell me how long you have to live."** For that moment, I panicked again. I had to be smart about it if I was going to be dumb enough and terrible enough to lie in the first place.

"**A year. That's what the healer I saw said…I…I don't want to say anything more about it right now, if you don't mind…It's still a sensitive subject."** A year was plausible. Long enough to fake the discovery of a cure for my 'disease' when I decided that I had had enough of this list, of this game. Of this lie. But at that moment I was all too happy and much too filled with hope and wonder at the amazing qualities of my friends.

"**A year…Then, this will be the year of Padfoot!"** James said, raising a mug to drink to me. And then solemnly he added, **"to your good health…"**

My health was perfectly intact. My soul was not. I was a terrible, terrible person. A terrible person who was about to have too much fun pretending that they were dying. Well, it wasn't a whole big lie. We're all dying.

I'm just not dying as soon as is planned…

"**Now, Padfoot, let's go. We have a plan for item number one on the list."** How could I say no? I stood up and together James and I left the kitchen. I left my honesty on the table in the ashtray, I left my head in the clouds and I left my dignity in the hands of my friends.

I hadn't regretted anything yet.


End file.
